spinning in circles

I feel gross

2009-12-13T00:26:57Z

I think im getting sick
Work sucks. I want a new job NOW.
This is such a grumpy email haha. I think its just bc im sick lol.

I need a hug lol

Its that special thursday again.....

2009-11-26T14:25:40Z

Happy Thanksgiving!!! <3

Hope everyone has a wonderful day

I am not a work machine... thanks

2009-11-19T11:21:47Z

Thank GOD.

Last week of working 3 aftercares a week... at least for now. Seriously it isnt worth the money. i'd rather have to watch how I spend than sell my soul to OLM another minute.
its gonna be a loooong day - work 8-6, then going to Amy's to go over professional things.
at least tomorrow is Friday - I have to go to Strauss and get new tires on my car but at least I get it done NOW while the weather is still relatively nice.... because winter is coming soon :(
Also, the stress at work has been driving me nuts. Had a really good talk with Alexandra... apparantly im not the only one who has had to deal with things of that nature. Some people just cant understand that everyone thinks and percieves things differently.It's no reason to attack a person's personality or make judgement calls about their character. I jsut thank God its a job and a job is what I need right now! :) In this economy so many ppl cannot work. And besides, theres always happy hour on Fridays nights ;)

I have noticed that when I come home from work... i am VERY irritable and emotional. Not cool. Maybe I should just become a famous jewelry designer for Broadway or something and call it a day lol. Maybe one day!

Ah.... must get ready for week

Im not doing JACK this weekend.... its going to be a well-needed bummage weekend all the way!! Getting ready for my jewelry party and cleaning
<3 I cant wait to SlEEP!

madakalate @ 2009-11-12T23:06:00

2009-11-13T04:06:30Z

its cold.... im tired... its been a long week...

I just want to cuddle

I need a man cuddle whore RIGHT NOW. One with a zero-bullsh*t policy who can jsut cuddle with me and call it a day.

mmmhohmdfsdnfsld

madakalate @ 2009-11-02T18:49:00

2009-11-02T23:50:27Z

hahaha im quitting sunday school! I love th kids but i cant work 45 hour work weeks and then teach... oging to Jena's house tonight SO excited!!!

madakalate @ 2009-10-23T19:16:00

2009-10-23T23:18:36Z

I feel like a mess....
maybe tis bc I have my period
maybe its bc I jsut worked a 50 hour work week
or maybe its just because i really hate myself and wish i was different

i dont know

and what REaLLY pisses me off is when i tryt o tell a good friend that im so upset and ask them to hang out and then they blow me off.. like how many times have you confided in me when things were bad and how many times did I have u over when things sucked for you

i ahte being alone in this house. I hate being alone period.

ugghh

2009-08-20T04:02:56Z

I am SO pissed that OLM has screwed me on my paycheck TWICE. WHAT THE HELL. I really need the moeny and this is ridiculus. I plan on calling tomorrow. I hate to sound like a psycho but come on if im putting in the hours I def. need to be getting paid. This is ridiculous. End of story. Last time they screwed up and like... said I worked 6-7 hours less than I actually did or something, and then on the 15th I was supposed to be paid for one day I worked.... so... needless to say I am annoyed and def. out of money that I desperately need. My checking account hasnt been this low in YEARS... ughh I wish I had something besides the dog sitting to give me some money before my first real paycheck at the end of September.

In other news, FL is wonderful.. except I have crazy back sunburn... but its great seeing everyone. And tomorrow me Deanna and Michelle are taking grandma out to Olive Garden, woot!

sorry, just needed to vent

MMM life

2009-08-15T01:14:35Z

First of all, hope all my Twilight friends had a great time in Texas.. im surprised I havent heard any posts about it yet lol

I am DONE with college.. got an A in geology I am SO psyched!!!!!!!
I am so happy to be starting work again.. not having a schedule is kind of killing me,. although it was grat seeing all my friends this summer instead of being a hermit ( which is what I usually do lol)

Working all day tomorrow... literally 10 -5:30 ... with kids.... i hate wanting money that bad haha

but then.. FL bound for a week starting Monday!!! BRING IT ON MATEYKAS!!!!

The Soup is on tonight - its my last night of cable while im dog sitting, cant wait to se Joel McHale... what a hottie :)

YAY sOUTH JERSEY!

2009-08-03T05:26:46Z

Great weekend!!! it was an early Happy birthday for camillia!! Wildwood was amazing, and the shorehouse was pretty sweet too.

back to the real world this week!!!!!!!!!!!!

im in such a weird in between state... and im obsessed with the song All the Above. it makes me want to hit the gym....

Halloween...

2009-07-29T04:57:04Z

I know its early but....

So this is what I want my costume to be, I really want to goth it up... im listening to the song Lilium ( its from an Anime, elfein leid, you;d probably like it lauren!) but yeah I def, want to go all out this year... including make up, wig, and red color contacts ( which u cant see in this pic but u can see her outfit pretty well)

The storyline is very very dark.. well, maybe not to the child haters so much haha

OMG...

2009-07-24T15:19:25Z

... im in love.... with this person's livejournal blog. I was never into the gothic thing but this makes me kind of want to give it a go! of course the bride is DROP DEAD GORGEOUS with a perfect figure, she could probably wear a potato sack to her wedding and make it look good... but ah! So pretty!! I would have gone a little more dark with the flowers, but seriously SUPER pretty!!!

http://community.livejournal.com/weddingplans/12809680.html

Yay weekend :)

2009-07-19T03:58:26Z

a really good weekend overall - hanging out with friends, Applebees for half off stuff, making some money today - not bad!

On Monday it will be a year since dad passed. It seems so surreal that its been that long.

Moms gone for the weekend, im actually WANTING to clean the house... scary stuff.

OH and THE PROPOSAL was an awesome movie.... that actor... yum. Not as yum as Crispy, but almost there. No one beats Mr. Bingley! Holla!

madakalate @ 2009-07-16T12:37:00

2009-07-16T16:43:25Z

Boo summer class.. I have more HW in this class than I have in like.. the last year of my college career lol. I have 2 labs and a test on Tuesday, and then current events write-up due Monday. Thats really lame, especially since CAMILLIA is coming to North Jersey for the weekend!!!!!! But maybe I can get some of my things done early :)
I cant wait to go to FLORIDA!!! So excited. I love my dad's family so much.... maybe we can do some tourist-ee things, go to the beach at 5 at night ( yay for not tanning) and go to Olive Garden where my step grandfather has scared the staff so much by trying to envalngalize them that we get the fastest service ever. Woo! Seriosuly though, I love my family. I wish we lvied closer.
I need to get paid for OLM, I thought that was gonna happen yesterday, but I guess I'll have to wait for the end of the month. I did pay some of my dentist bill off ( still have a couple hundred to go, ew) but at least its getting there.
This class drags so much, I dont want to go... but I know if I skip im going to be super lost and i dont feel playing catch up.
I have a really boring life and have really nothing to talk about... so I guess I'll end the entry lol

madakalate @ 2009-06-28T19:42:00

2009-06-28T23:49:30Z

Oh crap.. I have dog sitting to do... did some this weekend.. on Weds I start for my dentist.. AND im doing a oen afternoon gig for my co worker mary... oh snap. Im gonna be busy. and working at OLM for hte next two weeks during mornings. At least im not going to be allwoed to piss away my days like I have been.. sleeping in until 10.. staying up until 2... I need to get back to my old schedule.. seriously.
but hey, its money, and I can never complain about incoming money.
I need to look into Frick and Frack to see if maybe they could sell my jewelry. Amy suggested it, m,aybe it could be a good idea.

Theresa's baby shower was great today! I was so happy she was able to get one.. out of all 8 kids ( including this one) she never had a baby shower. I hope she enjoys all her presents. I met the most adoarble little boy today - forget his name, but he was 9 months old, and had 2 casts on his elgs bc he had surgery... he fell asleep in my arms, he was adorable...I wish i could volunteer somewhere and jsut hold babies all day.

Okay: schedule as follows

Tomorrow:( insanity day)
9-12 OLM
12-4:30 pm ( Callan and wedding plans?)
5:00 pm - Dr. ferrari's house to get keys and go over arrangements
6:00-6:30 till whenever pm - go to Amy's for dinner ( hear about this supposed guy shes setting me up with? Im sure hes not itnerested anyway... whatever)

Tuesday
9-12 OLM
5 pm - mary's house - pick up keys, meet the dog, all that jazz :)
7 pm - meet up with friend Johnny whom I havent seen in 2 years, grab coffee. woot

madakalate @ 2009-06-26T02:11:00

2009-06-26T06:17:50Z

Today was a difficult day - then just when I thought the brunt of it was over, i was told I was a life ruiner.
Literally, i was told that my unwillingness to get close to people hurts those i care about. I mess up their lives. No, better.. I RUIN their lives.

I am seriosuly up, at 2:15 in teh morning, feeling sick.
I always believe that being truthful is the way to go, especially in relationships. If you feel its not working, and its not something that can be fixed, u need to end it. It might hurt the other person NOW, but int he long run, you;re saving them from wasting their time in a relationship that you know isnt going to work anyway.

At least thats what i thought until i got that text tonight.. completely out of the blue, form someoen i never even dated. I know the person probably is just talking of pf furstration, out of overthinking.. but still. I know im not perfect, I'll be the first to say hey guess what, I f--ed up.....and as far as I cna see, what I did did not have long term effects,t he person moved on, has a gf, and you know waht, im HAPPY for them. Im HAPPY they found someone who loves them for who they are.....

it still makes me feel sick that maybe my actions jsut constantly screw everything up.

on a lighter note, Reis's speech tonight.. WTF???

I thought the class of 2009 would get a better gift thant he gift of rage... and they did.. they got the "beast that feeds" ( I was thinking he was making some kind of reference to the numerous alcohlics in the sneior class...?).

yup reis. You're a special one!

Some things never change. Stay classy Wayne valley class 2009!

Rain rain go away..... please.

2009-06-20T22:10:01Z

Oh this weather is officially depressing - seriously I need to shoot myself up with some endoorphines because im so depressed. Can this rain ever stop??? Please? lol
I would love to go running, but im not going to ruin my mp3 player in the rain. And the gym closes in one hour, anyway. I really need to clean, to organize,to weed out clothes I dont want anymore, to re-organize my beading area, to finish my grandmother's brithday set - yet apathy is so persuasive on rainy days.

Maybe I'll pop in a movie :)

its so weird not having a fatehr to shop for on father's day....tomorrow may be a little emotional for me...blah :(

Anyway, Happy Fathers Day (early) to everyone out there celebrating with their dads. Do something really nice with them even if htey can piss you off, be stingy, or whatever. You dont know hwo long you will have them for.

mmmm life

2009-06-17T02:10:08Z

haha so I must agree with Melissa that money sucks.
Tonight i was talking with Jena about how cool it would be if we moved out and got an apartment together - only to have my mother dash all my hopes and dreams with utility expenses, college loans I gotta pay back, and career and graduate school issues. pretty much unless i work at hooters and make an insane amount of tips, I will never be able to pay my way on my own in New Jersey.
I dont want to be living with my mom until im 30 - but it looks like that just might be the case. Stupid money lol.
IN better news - im gonna be a bridesmaid! Im totally excited, and I love Callan so I am so thrilled to get to be a part of her big day. Its going to be epic lol.
My professor waited until tonight o send us the study gude ( the test is tomorrow). I open my eamail and i got no studyu guide but only a blank email. fml.
and im stuck all day at work tomorrow doing NOTHING. 7 hours of nothing. im gonna bring michelles laptop to school and work on my presentation for college. at least I will get something done that makes sense. Plus maybe I could call the financial aid office and figure out how paying back that loan of mine will work. All good things. I also need to ask Karen for her GRE study booklet....I have a lot to do lol.

madakalate @ 2009-06-13T08:07:00

2009-06-13T12:20:01Z

The other night was sooo much fun!! SiLANOS HOUSE! Thanks Mel for harassing me to come beforehand haha Im really glad that I went :)
Yesterday i went out and spent even MORE money on clothes... eep. Well, a lot of my clothes are getting ratty and have stains and rips, so they are needed, btu they are cute, and suddenly i find myself buying an abundance of dresses? Thats okay, they are fun :) besides, im trying to be more girly in the gashion department, becuase of my fashion icon, Kortlyn!!! She's so fashionable.
Today is Sarah's relative's wake :( ( RIP Al) and then im gettnig my hair cut... im going to go for that graduated bob look, but make sure its long-ish... im not totally willing to chop off all my hair lol. then it's Alexandra's graduation party ( yaaay my Valentine!!!) then i need to get some things done for the SS carnival tomorrow.... woot! then Sunday School is over for the year!
its my last week of work (HOLLA!)
I have a test and a presentation this week.... boo.

I had to watch the "Im 16 and Pregnant" show on MTV for my class.... all I can say is there is a reason that teens should not be parents... the girl was fine, she was actually TAKING CARE of her responsibilities . The father on the other hand was a total twat and was a HUGE dick. He went out every night with his friends, spent no time at home with the baby... ughhhh. he neevr wanted to change the diaper or fed the baby....come on man, you had the energy to hump your gf nine months ago, I think that you;re totally capable of changing a diaper. oiy.

if I have kids, they are living in a barrel until they are 25... then they can go reporoduce lol.
Speaking of babies, i saw Pedro- 4 months old!!! SO CUTE. I love Spanish babies lol

going to go runnning.... then gotta get ready for the day.

i hate the scale....

2009-06-09T10:59:23Z

I feel so hideous. I just wish I could jump out of my skin.
I wanted to go running today - I couldnt sleep all night. the tuhnderstorms woke me up and that was after getting 2 hours of sleep. wonderful. full day today - work, gym ( I HAVE to go today- no backing out) and night class. I effin hate summer class... its ruining my nights.
Im just really being selifhs I guess... Michelle lost all this weight and now for the first tiem in eyars she is the "skinny pretty sister" and Im not anymore...im the family fat ass. and im not dealing with it well. Not like i ever wanted Michelle to be overweight or anything, bc I didnt, but i felt pertty and average I guess... now I feel like a complete failure. one with no self control. I KNOW better, I should BE better I should be pretty and thin and on top of everything... but im not. sometimesi feel like im barely hovering above the surface. Like im ready to drown.
I know I hear the "theres no excuse to not go to the gym" btu seriously i work from 8-3 some days then have an hour before i ahve to run to college and i dont get home until ten and I need to sleep bc i havhe to get up at 6 the next morning...i cant get chantged, run to teh gym, work out, the n run back egt changed again and drive to collge in that amount of time :( sigh. I feel so ugly... im gaining weight in all the wrong places, and im going to FL in 9 weeks. I just wish I could disapear... I hate struggling with my weight. i feel like so many of my friends are so skinny and perfect... I wish I could be like them.
I know this post sounds like something a 12 year old wrote, so im sorry, im jsut feeling depressed and blahh :( I guess since its an early day for me at work I'll go to the gym

Michelle doesnt understand either... she jsut gets all attitudey with me when i talk about my weight :( ughh.

ahh i need a mental vacation for a month lol

2009-06-04T20:00:50Z

life is ridiculous... i might be working at summer camp for OLM, I might as well sell my soul to that school haha. that means i wont be able to sleep in until July...*tear*

Today: work 8-3, run here to college, am attempting to study for test today ( which she gave us the study guide for LAST NIGHT?? wth?) and then take this test and get a lecture.. get home at 10 pm tonight if we stay the whole time.

tomorrow is Michelles prom! cant wait. will be doing the big sister thing and taking lots of pictures haha. then bridezillas and real housewives of NJ with Amy.
Saturday I got a gig doing a kids craft at some fancy country club in Rockaway.... only 3 hours and im getting paid a lot. sweeeet :) BUt i still want to sleep lol

I am looking forwrd to some very sloppy times at Jena's this summer LOL <3

I think its going to be a good couple of months, despite the insanity

Prose, because im feeling bi-polar and it hasnt been done in awhile

2009-06-01T18:13:49Z

The heat roughly hit her cheeks as she exited the cold, stale, air conditioned grey building. With her notebook of endless to-do lists and class assignments held tightly against her bosom, she descended down the smooth paved path. The sky had already darkened, yet parts were illuminated by booming pale gray storm clouds. They looked like dark princes, waiting to devour her, as many princes before them. However, they made the sky look enchanted, and enchantment and intrigue was exactly what she longed for amidst these days of mundane responsibilities, obligation, and sorrow. The thought alone made her body tense with exhilaration, as though she were ready to fall into a secret affair. The wind blew once again through her dark hair, intoxicating her with the thoughts of what could be.

The air was full of excitement, of anticipation, really. It was like the whole earth was setting a stage, a performance was about to be unveiled. The few stars that peeked through the clouds tried to applaud, though they were almost immediately covered by the dark princes who wanted no one to see their beauty. They never wanted anyone to see beauty.

A feeling of want surged through her body. It was as if she was ready for something that she had been waiting for throughout her entire existence. Suddenly the dark eyes which had misled her so many times seemed to not exist. Suddenly it seemed as though her brokenness would dance away with the storm clouds; a spiraling waltz that left both partners exhausted as they collapsed into a shadowy heap. But all the girl could think of was how she would clap with delight at the sight of this, and how the dark princes would soon pour down what they had been greedily keeping for themselves. Then, her eyes would once again be ready to see into the soul of her hero, her fingers ready to be intertwined with this holy laborer, and her cheeks ready to be brushed by the lips of this willing gentleman that she would love for all eternity.
The warm summer night had ignited her hopes. The feel of promise and rain hung thick in the air, and suddenly the world seemed wonderful again.

:(

2009-05-30T21:58:23Z

f*cking Steve ordway t hte trakc today - saw him from a distance and just drove home. I dont want to see him nor do i need to deal with any bullsh*t he might throw my way. Whatever. i'll go back and run later. I hate to let him win, he's not better than me... but sometimes you just need to avoid certain ppl when they have screwed you over in the life department. In msot cases I dont back down, but today i just couldnt deal with it.

What just annoys me is that i saw him and sudden;y I felt sick to my stomach - all teh feelings of worthlessness and depression came back. That feelign of being two inches tall crept back into my mind. Really, I am over him. i have NO desire to speak to him or see him ever again. He has screwed me over one too many times. I dont know why today was so hard... seeing him just reminded me more of the feelings associated with the relationship, not actually with HIM. The reminder of " you;re never good enough" and " you;re too stupid to do x y z...." and " you cant handle x yz ..." while I worked so hard to get through college ( working 2 jobs, full time student) and he did nothing. NOTHING. Looking back on it logically, I cant believe I bought it, but when you love someone you will buy a lot of things that are lies.
I guess when you love someone, the things they say weigh the heaviest in your mind. I dont love him anymore obviously, but I did, and those feelings still come out from time to time. I also tend to be a person who always wants to be perfect.... so thats a baaad combination. other men have come and gone in my life. Other boyfriends, other love interests, but none of them spent 3 years practically that i wasnt good enough and treating me accordingly. I still feel inadequate in a lot of ways.
Maybe I should go back to therapy haha. time to call Sherri.

In any case, I have a jewelry show this Tuesday ( yay!!!!) and its the last week with the Pre-K kids.... soo excited. I cant wait to be DONE with work!!!

Hmph haha

2009-05-28T10:44:39Z

today's going to be insane.
14 straight hours of crap.
work 8-3
oil change and brake light repair ( hoepfully he can fix that while im there) 3:30-5:15(?)
Adolescent Psychology 6 -9:20 pm ( wont get home until around 10 if she keeps us the whole time)

I wish there were more hours in the day. and I am SO ready for summer to start. June 17th cant come fast enough!!!!!!

I cuold barely get out of bed today. For some reason my body isnt falling asleep until 11 ish. I need to pull a grandma and goto bed at 8 haha
Tomrrow isnt looking that great either

work 8-3 ( alone bc my co worker is going to a workshop)
3-6 pm ( POSSIBLY aftercare, we will see if the softball team won the game yesterday)
8:30 - on chillin with ppls for dinner

I dont want aftercare, sorry softball team, but could you lose just this year? I dont feel like a 12 hour day tomorrow. thanks hahah

Carnegie was awesome :)
and im really enjoying having a social life again. Yayah.

madakalate @ 2009-05-25T12:08:00

2009-05-25T16:18:05Z

Going to Carnegie hall today with kate and karen to see mama sing!!! Its exciting.
This has been a good holiday weekend... I cant wait for work to be over though! Then summer can really begin. That wont be for another month at least lol
Umm the guy from Tokio Hotel looks like a real life anime character.
I start summer class tomorrow... BOO. I cant believe that I'll be at ramapo anotherr 2 months. cant WAIT for that to be over. Then Florida to see dads fam. us Mateyka's are a wild bunch hehe.

Dinner with Silano and the girls was amazing!! <3 you guys
I have to go make myself socially acceptable.

this guy keeps bugging me to meet up with him for lunch... mph.

Memorial Day Weekend

2009-05-23T19:45:07Z

This weekend is turning out to be better than I thought....
tonight - hanging out with the girls and Silano ( woot!) and then MAYBE a late late late night Star Trek viewing with delgado... we'll see what happens. yay Im so happy./. was supposed to go see a show that my sister's friend is in but then my sister had to work... gross.
Tomorrow is Newark day ( hanging out with kathy and Lydia maybe), then monday im going to Carnigie hall to see my mom perform. YAY.
I still cant believe igraduated.. summer class starts on tues, so I guess that feeling will disapear soon haha. but still the unsettling feeling of not having a real career right now still leaves me shaky. But at least I can always make jewelry....

Only 9 more days with the Prek and then its summer! but I'll be cleaning every day after that until the end of the year. then maybe summer camp. I think I secretly like being busy....